My wife was devastated when she discovered why my libido had returned
A year ago, I found myself in front of a kind, sympathetic man, telling him something I never thought I’d find myself discussing; that matters in the bedroom had taken a distressingly downward turn.
Then aged 67, 비아그라 퀵배송 the medication I’d started taking for high cholesterol and diabetes two years earlier had left me frequently unable to perform – and it was having a devastating impact on my emotional well-being.
I can happily talk to Elizabeth, my wife of 25 years, about most things. But this was one area I just couldn’t bring myself to discuss with her.
Which is how I found myself in the office of a sex therapist.
Elizabeth would have been mortified at the thought of me telling a stranger about our intimacy issues. But after two distressing years of struggling to maintain an erection, I needed some professional reassurance.
However, I wasn’t just doing this for me; sex has always been an important part of our relationship, particularly to Elizabeth. I didn’t want to let her down, or drive a wedge between us. I knew she equated my struggles with a lack of desire for her – which couldn’t be further from the case.
After going through my medical history, the therapist agreed my medication – including statins – was probably to blame. I left his office with a prescription for Viagra. In all honesty I couldn’t wait to get my hands on it.
Just as I didn’t tell Elizabeth about visiting the therapist, I didn’t tell her when I started taking Viagra.
Hundreds of men commented online that they had found themselves in a similar situation, unable to get an erection
I genuinely didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. I’m sure many women talk to medical professionals – or 비아그라 복용량 indeed their friends – about their sex life without discussing it with their husband beforehand. And many probably don’t tell their husbands if they’re taking HRT.
But, suffice it to say, that decision backfired.
As she revealed in Secrets & Lives last week, when Elizabeth discovered I’d secretly been taking Viagra for months, she was devastated. Despite my best efforts, she wrongly believed my need for pharmaceutical support was proof I was no longer attracted to her, leaving her hurt and humiliated.
I can see now I was wrong not to tell her – and naive in assuming she wouldn’t find out.
But I was heartened to see the hundreds of men commenting online that they had found themselves in my situation – and confirming there is a very real difference between not ‘wanting’ to have sex with someone and not being physically able to.
Unfortunately, it’s not something we talk about. But I hope, by sharing my side of things, I can stop other men from feeling how I did: that I was a failure.
As a young man I’d always prided myself on my performance. When I met my first wife aged 25, I was confident I knew how to sexually satisfy a woman. Neither of us wanted children, so we just focused on having fun. I assumed she was as happy as I was.
Yet as my civil service career progressed and my working hours increased, things in the bedroom did taper off, particularly by our late 30s.
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After years of bad sex, my husband’s libido suddenly returned. This is the reason…
Even so, it came as a bolt from the blue when she left me for another man. My pride took a real dent.
When I found out – after our divorce was finalised – that she’d actually cheated on me multiple times, 비아그라 복용량 I was left wondering if I was doing something wrong, 정품 비아그라 or if I just wasn’t good enough. A year later, I was still processing what had happened.
But when, aged 40, I was introduced to Elizabeth by a friend, I just knew she was the one.
We discovered we were very sexually compatible. She’s a big talker and explained, tactfully but directly, how she liked to receive pleasure. And over the decades our enthusiastic love life has underpinned our happy marriage.
Her menopausal years were tough on both of us, and our sex life suffered for a while, but then things went back to normal – until my own medical issues reared their head. At 65, I was told my high cholesterol would require me taking medication for life.
The first time I realised something was amiss was when we’d gone away for the weekend to a boutique hotel, two months after I’d started taking the drugs. My spirit was more than willing, but my body wouldn’t comply. I told Elizabeth I must just be exhausted after the long drive.
But I knew something wasn’t right. And after that, it just kept happening – though I could never predict when.
When you satisfy a woman you feel like the king of the world. But when things go awry, it’s hugely stressful. And unlike women, men can’t fake it.
‘The way I see it, Viagra is just HRT for men – and we’d all benefit from treating it as such,’ says Steve
The build up to sex became anxiety inducing; I’d often be stressed and irritable hours before.
Even when sex was spontaneous I’d still suffer performance anxiety, my spiral of negative thoughts bringing on failure within seconds. Afterwards, my whole day would be tainted by my failure.
While Elizabeth never said as much, I was sure it was troubling her too.
And it meant confronting my increasing age and vulnerability. As dramatic as it sounds, it was a reminder of my mortality.
In the moments I ‘lost’ it, I’d find a way to blame Elizabeth, accusing her of putting me off my stride with something she’d said, or by glancing at her phone. I knew I wasn’t being fair, but it was easier than admitting the truth.
On the occasions I did succeed, I’d feel elated. It was a rollercoaster of emotions; I’d go from wanting to try all the time to avoiding sex for weeks.
Part of me knew I was being ridiculous, yet I felt like my whole ego rested on it. Us men are a lot more sensitive than women realise.
Which was what led me to that therapist’s door – and then to a chemists 15 miles away from our home to pick up my Viagra prescription.
The first time I took it, I was petrified Elizabeth would immediately sense something was different.
But while she did notice the sex was good, and things went on for longer than we’d been used to of late, she didn’t seem to suspect anything. I was so delighted I bought her flowers the next day.
With those little blue pills in my arsenal, I felt a huge sense of relief. The guarantee sex was going to happen every time I took one transformed my mood and daily outlook. Suddenly I felt like a ‘real man’ again. Soon, I was taking half a tablet – which I’d found sufficient – every time we made love.
While Elizabeth didn’t comment on my renewed virility, after a couple of weeks she confided she’d noticed some newfound discomfort, blaming herself for experiencing post-menopausal vaginal dryness.
I agreed with her that was probably the case. But secretly, I knew it was likely down to the differences I’d noticed between my ‘normal’ erection and a Viagra-induced one.
It wasn’t my finest hour. But I was so overjoyed at being able to perform I told myself the key thing was I was sexually satisfying her again.
As you know from Elizabeth’s account, my deception spectacularly blew up in my face.
While I knew Elizabeth would be upset and hurt once she discovered I’d been secretly using Viagra, stumbling across the pills in my washbag, I hadn’t appreciated just how angry she would be – that she would see if as a sign I no longer desired her.
During that awful week when she would barely talk to me, I realised how foolish I’d been in not being straight with her from the beginning. By not telling her, I’d hurt us both. No matter how many times I told her my using Viagra had absolutely nothing to do with how I felt towards her, she wouldn’t listen. I feared I might lose her.
Thankfully we’re now at a point, a year on, where we agree to disagree about my use of Viagra.
I appreciate why Elizabeth still isn’t keen on the additional support, so sometimes I go without. But it means all my worries come back, which makes sex feel like hard work. And what man wants to dread the thought of sex with his gorgeous wife?
So I’m relieved on those occasions when there’s three of us in bed: Elizabeth, me and my blue pill.
I’d tell any man struggling like I was not to feel ashamed, and to tell his partner if he’s feeling in need of an extra boost. The way I see it, Viagra is just HRT for men – and we’d all benefit from treating it as such.
* Steve Smith is a pseudonym. All names have been changed
* As told to Samantha Brick
